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An election speech by Boris Johns-On – Dateway

Paul Bird, a Dateway reader, imagines a letter he might receive from Boris Johnson, listing all of his accomplishments in the run-up to the May 6 local election, election speech.

These include destroying thousands of businesses, plunging millions into unemployment, increasing the national debt, etc. Here is Boris‘ preamble, before describing all of his “victories”:

In the December 2019 election just 16 months ago, you weighed the Conservative Party’s competing offers – sound economic policy, living within our means, reducing the burden of the state on the British people; and the Labor Party under Jeremy Corbyn – a meteoric increase in state power, loss of freedoms and unsustainable spending that drives up the national debt.

You overwhelmingly chose the first and gave the Conservatives a landslide victory. I am extremely grateful to you for placing your trust in me to keep the promises we have made.

As the local elections in May, I urge you to consider the achievements of this Conservative government since taking office. I hope this impressive list will convince you to “Vote Conservative!” in the elections.

And here are some of Boris’s accomplishments:

  • Fundamentally changed the British Constitution to sever the link between Parliament and the executive. Removal of all those famous “ safeguards ” and “ checks and balances ” on government power.
  • Put the entire population under house arrest, including eight million in solitary confinement.
  • Broke off ties between family members and friends.
  • Closed all social structures and cultural activities to prevent people from meeting and forming new relationships.
  • Monitored massive advances in social distancing, forcing people to stay at least two meters apart and cover their faces. Inspired by the former Soviet states, we encouraged the neighbor to report on the neighbor. New relationships between people are prohibited, as is any physical contact other than between those cohabiting at the time of the lockdown.
  • Young people deprived of any meaningful education for more than one year.

The letter ends with a list of some of the historical figures who have inspired Boris over the past 12 months:

  • Xi Jinping for the restriction of movement of the whole population; for the requirement of explicit government authorization to travel, enter buildings, etc.
  • Giuseppe Conte for showing that a modern Western government (albeit from a with a much smaller scientific base or democratic record than the UK) can act like the Chinese Communist Party and get away with it
  • Some German Chap in the 1930s for the example of the abolition of all constitutional guarantees intended to prevent a modern democracy from falling into dictatorship; and for the forced carrying of identity papers.
  • His Public relations guru – for incessant brainwashing through broadcasting and the written press; for the manipulation of statistics; for censoring any unapproved material and using subliminal messages to fabricate consent.
  • Dr. Robert Mugabe and Nicolas Maduro on massive borrowing and printing of money by the central bank.

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