Dear God, these things really happened in 2020

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Hahahaha was it this year ?!

There is a rumor that I was actually happy at one point in 2020. The alleged took place on February 2, just weeks before the world stopped spinning, things stopped. make sense, that people refused to wear masks, and things like reason and accomplishment were realities, not just concepts.

This so-called happiness apparently happened in the evening. Talented artist Jennifer Lopez performed in the Super Bowl. (Who were the teams? Sorry for those men.) It was just one of the most irreconcilable sins in cultural history – she was not nominated for an Oscar for her performance in Hustlers– and yet she rose from the stake of neglect at the feet of the Academy. Literally she climbed … on a stripper pole.

She had already burned more calories singing and dancing to her underrated catalog of bops than the average American in a decade, and yet she soared. She made it to the top, spread her arms like a sparkling diva on the crucifix, and smiled. “It rocks,” I say.

This now unknown experience – serotonins ??? – would even have lasted a whole week. It was just seven days later when Parasite won the Best Picture at the Oscars, the rare absolutely correct and deserving crowning of such a careless body that they, again, did not nominate Jennifer Lopez for Hustlers.

You could watch these two events in tandem and even say the year 2020 has even started … pretty well? My God. Imagine.

The real shock is that these two cultural events took place this year. From our perch (the corner of the couch we haven’t moved from for 10 months now), J.Lo’s Super Bowl performance and ParasiteThe Oscar victory might as well have been centuries ago, when my soul was in another body before reincarnating in that blobby bag of cheesy snacks and frayed sweatpants.

It made me wonder what else happened this year that we completely forgot – or at least I wouldn’t believe it was a moment in the time of this shitty merry-go-round, running at the speed of light, which we called 2020.

King tiger was this year. You remember it? There was a time when “that bitch Carole Baskin” wasn’t just a misogynistic meme, but what worried us the most. Ten months of pandemic? A knock? Who could even think of such a possibility when there was the question of whether this crazy lady in the flower crown murdered her husband and fed them to the tigers.

Love is blind was also this year. My God! Have we ever been so young? I vaguely remember watching a lady who was 34 (but he was 24) giving her dog wine, but it could also have been a feverish dream from a previous life.

The first TV show I saw in 2020 was Spinning Out, a soap opera thriller about a former bipolar figure skater trying to resurrect her career despite the trauma of her also bipolar mother played by Betty Draper herself, January Jones. That’s actually the plot, and we didn’t care! Nobody watched! How naïve we were, not knowing how much we had. We would take a recently sharpened skate and drive it into an enemy achilles to have a show like this now to distract from the real world.

Acclamation did it all in 2020, being the rare entertainment every human could love and seek, and then become the subject of a disturbing and heartbreaking scandal – amid which one of his subjects competed Dancing with the stars.

There was a whole new season of Calm your enthusiasm airing in 2020. What ?! Is Larry David still alive?

My notes tell me there have been episodes of Westworld which aired this year, but I can’t prove it definitively. It is also said that we used to claim new episodes of YouTube cooking videos from the Enjoy your meal test kitchen, which, if true, surely we’ve all been canceled by now.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were still of the royal family in this year of our Lord 2020 !!!

Jada Pinkett-Smith went to the Red Table and introduced “entanglement” in the vernacular. There was a movie called Birds of prey and I even bought a ticket to see it in a real theater. Take my jaw off the dang floor because I just confirmed that I also went to see Broadway shows!

People were crazy about scooter sharing services which indicates that people were actually surrendering. “Karen” was always funny. I could be sure that when I saw something that couldn’t be , it wasn’t . I pulled a hamstring while trying to do the “WAP” and couldn’t walk for three days. Dorinda was still a true housewife. I received mail on time. Pete Buttegieg ???

I don’t know what it is for. A year is longer than you think, so don’t dwell on the shitty parts? Things once went so perfectly that what we now consider outrageous milestones didn’t matter to us? That the world is moving fast enough, if you don’t stop and look around every now and then, you might miss it? OK, now I’m just plagiarizing Ferris Bueller / citing my quote from the high school yearbook.

2020 has been a lot, in every sense of the word. I hated it so much. I have never been so scared, sad or miserable. But hey. We always had fun.

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