NOTo we enjoyed the news this year – but, if that’s any kind of consolation, the morning cheat sheet team probably enjoyed it a little less than you. Our job is to take in as many great stories as possible ASAP and tell them to you in a way that is on point and – when the content is not too painful, which, to be honest, has been extremely. rare. year – entertaining.
This means that we have been following world events in great detail during what has possibly been the most ground-breaking year in human history. Here are 12 of the stories we woke up to on such absurd mornings that they can be taken as proof that the Earth simulation is forever broken.
Brazilian emu shows superb cartoon timing
Brazilian far-right President Jair Bolsonaro is often accused of copying Donald Trump, but he was one step ahead of him this year when he managed to catch the coronavirus first. During his 40s, he repeatedly complained about his boredom and sickness, which forced him to hold a photoshoot to boost morale with weird birds. One of them literally grabbed the opportunity and pecked at it. There has been no update since on his well-being.
The White House goes bananas
At times during the pandemic, the White House advanced the theory that the best way to deal with a contagious deadly virus was to allow it to circulate among the population. The theory, eventually put forward in a petition called the Great Barrington Declaration, was that letting the disease run rampant would result in herd immunity – which would be great, if it didn’t also cause an uncontrolled number of deaths. The statement was later quoted by the White House in a coronavirus briefing, but further inspection showed it had been signed by a number of bogus healthcare providers, including Dr Johnny Bananas and Dr Person Fakename.
Wilbur’s Bold Prediction
No one could have predicted exactly how this pandemic would play out at the start of the year – but, at the same time, few of us were actively celebrating the virus outbreak in China. In January, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross predicted that the coronavirus outbreak in China, which by that time had killed 170 people, would boost the US economy because it “will help speed up the return of jobs to America. North”. In fact, the US economy has been decimated and some 20 million Americans end the year with some sort of employment benefit.
Don’t wait for bleach
There were plenty of ridiculous news phrases written this year, but this one stood out from the crowd. In April, during the worst days of the first wave of the coronavirus pandemic, the maker behind the disinfectants Lysol and Dettol pleaded with the public to ignore the President of the United States and refrain from drinking their products. toxic. Diplomatically, the company did not mention Trump by name, but said it felt it had to issue guidelines due to “recent speculation.”
“It’s for President Trump!
One of the first contenders for the worst story in the 2020 election cycle came in September when a YouTuber broadcast live taking a big dump on the aisle of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The footage shows the man rushing through San Francisco until he finds Pelosi’s house, greeting viewers, then pooping on the cold concrete. A Twitter account claiming to be the unhygienic streamer apologized for the incident, saying he was “not proud at all.”
Another type of monolith
Another shit related story has come up much more recently. At the end of November, at the height of the global excitement about these monoliths popping up everywhere, officials in Utah weren’t so fascinated by it all. Their reason? Monolith hunters continued to poop in the desert during their visits, and staff had to clean up after them. The Utah Bureau of Land Management Office reminded people that if they were to visit the monolith, they really should not leave any traces of any kind.
Late night feelings
This one has never been explained, and it may be ultimately for the best. In July, in the middle of the night, President Trump liked a tweet congratulating R&B star Summer Walker for bringing back a “stripper” vibe. The tweet was sent after midnight Eastern Time and received its presidential seal of approval at some point within four hours. The user who sent the offending tweet wrote after the inexplicable incident: “WHY DONALD TRUMP LIKE MY FUCKING TWEET.”
The power of Christ compels you
Speaking of lustful thoughts that got people in trouble, in October, an archbishop in New Orleans was forced to set an altar on fire after a priest and two domineers had sex on it. Archbishop Gregory Aymond called Reverend Travis Clark “demonic” for the unholy encounter, which was filmed. On the day of the incident, one of the women indicated that she was on her way to “defile a house of God,” which slightly exposed the game. A ritual was performed to cleanse the church from sin.
The old Switcheroo
Another social media mismanagement came for Trump in May, when he fell into an evil trick that resulted in the president posting a message telling him to fuck off. In a retweet frenzy from firefighters who said they love him, one of his alleged supporters changed his username to ‘Fuck Donald Trump’. The username was then proudly displayed on Trump’s Twitter page for hours, until a poor aide had to tell him about it.
Doth protest too much
Making a complete fool of yourself on social media is a family pastime for the Assets. The one that comes to mind goes back to August, when Donald Trump Jr. denied preparing for his big speech at the Republican National Convention by snorting cocaine, and accused bad lighting of doing so. look so strange and sweaty. He complained about the Coke allegations on Twitter before being asked about them on Fox and friends a day later when he bellowed the mock title: “DONALD TRUMP JR. ON COCAINE.”
Smile even if your heart is broken
Paulette Dale, a registered Republican, made President Trump’s day in October by telling him he had a cute smile during a televised election event. Then, in a wild twist, she later said to Miami New Times she didn’t really like the president and was planning to vote for Joe Biden. “I wish he smiled more and spoke less,” she told the newspaper, in one of the most brutal dismantles of the entire election campaign.
Dumb like a rock
Trump was already considering his legacy in August, when his electoral defeat was only highly likely rather than confirmed. One morning he tried to dismiss a report that the White House had contacted the governor of South Dakota asking him to immortalize Trump’s head in stone on Mount Rushmore, but immediately said he believed that it was a great idea. In one sentence he called the report that said he wanted to be on Rushmore “fake news” then wrote: “Sthat sounds like a good idea! The president then posted a photo of himself smiling next to the monument. Alas, there are no plans to add the outgoing president for a term.
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