greetings, angry readers of The Daily Beast .. For those of you too disconnected to know me, my name is Murdoc F. Niccals. I am the founder and bassist of the global musical phenomenon Gorillaz. If you’re wondering why a pop music icon is writing a track for The Daily Beast, the truth is, it was red tape. It was supposed to be a promo for our new hit album Song Machine Season 1: Strange Timez, reach out to our usual demographics. But it seems our PR intern Julian has no idea what The Daily Beast is.
As he cleared his desk in tears and put his things away in a cardboard box, I explained to Julian that readers of a politically charged online tabloid are not our target market. Especially not at this moment at this crossroads squeezing the buttocks of human history. Read the play, mate! Everyone’s at their end, in case it starts all over again like four years ago. And if the unthinkable happens, millions of Americans will wake up with the mother of all existential hangovers.
ORDER HERE ‘SONG MACHINE SEASON ONE: STRANGE TIMEZ’
But that’s where it hit me. Maybe there is something I can bring to The Daily Beast. Rest assured, I’m not about to put my fame into politics (but you know, good luck to you, Kanye). Not my department, mate. But as one of Britain’s most beloved Hell Breeders, I can speak with a leading authority in the world about how to deal with a meltdown. Not the kind you can remedy with a mimosa and a brisk fall walk. I’m talking about those where the blood flowing through your noggin is liquid terror, and staggering to the bog is like trying to conquer El Capitan on crutches.
Because let’s be honest, if things go wrong on Tuesday, it’ll be you. Curled up on the floor, cradling his knees, trying to sob but all that comes out is a dry grater. But fear not America: I am here to help you. Your guru for the morning after the night before. Over the years, I have developed a number of military grade hangover survival techniques that will ease your mental journey through the serious new world you woke up to. So here it is, the Murdoc Niccals guide to hangover survival. A word of warning: this is professional level stuff. I do not share it lightly. You’re welcome.
# 1. Enter the sea.
It’s something I like to start the day with. If I feel particularly helpless, there is nothing more invigorating than walking fully clothed in the ocean. The key is to keep walking until the water is completely over your head so that you are in serious danger of drowning. The near death experience will really put things in perspective and (with a favorable tide) you will come back to be reborn. But be sure to notify the Coast Guard before entering.
# 2. Spend time with the animals.
There is nothing more revitalizing than the company of God’s creatures, especially truly stupid creatures. I once sat on a cow for an hour in a field just outside of Oxford at dawn. I rested my head on his neck, just stood there, feeling him breathe. It really helped calm the vortex of paranoia and anxiety. All these voices in my head. Will life ever be the same? Is there a point in progress? A look in those bovine eyes will sort you out right away. He doesn’t give a fuck, does he? I don’t care about your existential peril. And it is he who must be divided into a thousand burgers.
# 3. Read peer-reviewed articles on the heat death of the universe.
When I’ve really gone too hard and my world crumbles into a black hole, it’s wonderfully heartwarming to read some extremely dry quantum theorists who explain in calm detail that everything will be wiped out in the end anyway, so you may as well relax and have a nice day. Acknowledging your cosmic insignificance can be a real tonic, although personally I find this one a bit difficult, as it’s hard to imagine a universe without me at the center of it. Greatness does this to a person. But for you guys, this should be pretty effective.
“Acknowledging your cosmic insignificance can be a real tonic, although personally I find this one a bit difficult, as it’s hard to imagine a universe without me at the center of it.“
# 4. Call an old acquaintance.
Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while because you don’t like them at all, and explain in detail how you’re feeling. Really let it tear, don’t hold anything back. Be sure to jot down a few points in advance so you don’t miss a thing. Roast the bastard. Then hang up. You may need to do two or three people until you start to feel the benefits.
# 5. Listen to the laughter of the children.
There are few more uplifting sounds in the world than innocent, carefree laughter. Get enough of this in your ears and you will begin to feel warm little rays of hope crackling through your shell of misery. The trickiest part is knowing where to find it. School playgrounds are the obvious place, but they tend to scare people.
# 6. Savor the joy of homemade confectionery.
After a historic bender, I like to walk into my local pastry shop, buy the most ornate handmade cakes they have, preferably one with at least two floors which took several days to build. Then I walk outside and throw it in the middle of the street. I usually go for an Olympic shot put technique to get a real shot put. Or sometimes I will climb a building or lamp post nearby for added elevation when throwing. It is extremely cathartic.
#seven. Bury yourself in the garden.
Okay, now we’re getting into some of the more advanced techniques. This is the one I keep for special occasions. What I do is hire gravediggers to dig a deep hole in the back lawn for me. Then I go upstairs and ask them to put the ground back on me. Return me to the earth. About 36 hours there usually do. NB: you will have to create a kind of air funnel. Very important.
# 8. Take a hit on yourself.
This one really is a last resort, because when you are so psychologically and emotionally crushed that only sheer, heartbreaking terror will reignite recovery. What I do is roam the dark web, find myself a hitman (or a woman, of course!) – someone with at least a 4.5 star trust rating for you. know it will do the job. Transfer the bitcoin, set them two days to stalk and murder me, then start running. Tell you what, that really makes the old heart beat! There is so much heartbreaking adrenaline rushing through your system that your previous one was about vamoose. If you survive both days you will feel great, with life force fully restored. If you don’t, well, the hangover is still gone, isn’t it. So it’s a win-win situation.
So that’s it. Hope you find something useful there. And however it turns out on Tuesday, I highly recommend putting your joy or despair to music with my new album, Song Machine Season 1: Strange Timez. Cheers.
#Gorillaz #guide #surviving #Trump #victory